Boundaries are a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Boundaries are limits that we set to delineate what behaviors are and aren't acceptable around us. They let others know how to engage with us in ways we find permissible. When interacting with or supporting someone suffering from addiction, boundaries become even more important.
Who Needs to Set Boundaries?
Everyone should have an idea of how they want to be treated and corresponding boundaries tied to those expectations. Setting boundaries can be tricky when it involves persons with a substance use disorder (SUD). Even though you may want to do everything in your power to help your loved one, you deserve to set boundaries for your own well-being. Communicate openly and respectfully with the person to help set expectations clearly.
For a person supporting someone suffering from addiction, they can become easily drained. Setting boundaries gives space for both SUD recovery and your overall self-care. Professional counseling or support from your doctor or other family members can help provide additional support if needed when setting your boundaries. Don’t allow guilt or codependence to prevent you from prioritizing yourself in your life.
Why Boundaries Are Important
According to SMART Recovery, repeatedly breached boundaries in a healthy family unit or relationship eventually begins a process of deterioration in the family. Feelings of fear, distrust, or resentments begin to grow. Then, the level of dysfunctional behavior increases. Unhealthy boundaries or lack of boundaries altogether takes a toll on the rest of the family.
When a person has weak boundaries, they compromise their character or identity. Weak boundaries lead to the person or family unit losing themselves and their identity. When a loved one is addicted, those with weak boundaries usually live in constant fear of being lied to and taken advantage of. However, when you set boundaries with a loved one suffering from addiction, you increase the chances that he or she will seek help.
How to Set Boundaries
Recognize boundaries as sacred for building healthy relationships. Identify your limits and be willing to stand up for what you believe to be right. Use the following suggestions to help you set your boundaries:
Express that you care for them when discussing your boundaries.
Emphasize that your love for them doesn’t mean that they are your only concern.
Prioritize yourself even when you find your loved one in the throes of their SUD. If your health suffers, you will lack the capacity to show up for yourself or them in the long run.
If you have a boundary with a family member or friend, use it and respect it. Do not be afraid to say no.
Avoid becoming passive whenever a person with SUD communicates their demands or requests. Consider how it will affect your personhood, time, or energy.
Prior to the start of the conversation, create a clear list of what is acceptable and what is not in your relationship.
Choose a time suitable for both of you to discuss these concerns.
Continue to learn more about how to set and communicate boundaries.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
If boundary infringement continues, that's a red flag. If the family is ignoring the problems at hand, and your quality of life is worsening because of your family members' behavior, it's time to take action. Consider these examples to help you and your loved ones:
#1 “No drugs or alcohol in the house or around me.” Your home is a safe space, and you should be able to live without the fear of drugs showing up there. Inform your loved one of the consequences if they violate the rules, so they can make their choice to stay or leave.
#2 “If you get arrested, I will not bail you out.” Setting a limit with your loved one can be difficult, but it's necessary in order to help them confront their addiction. Clarify that they are an adult and can do whatever they want to do, but that there will be consequences when the time comes. They should conform to the behavioral boundaries that you expect and what the law requires.
#3 "Friends who use drugs are not allowed in the home." You might not control your loved one if he or she is still using, but you can control who is in your home. If you don't want any people under the influence of drugs in your home, then set that boundary. It will decrease the likelihood of SUD adversely affecting you and your family.
#4 "No more ridiculing or insulting language." Protect your family and home by establishing what kind of language and actions are acceptable. Remember that it is your right to engage in polite discourse only while in your home.
#5 "No more monetary help." You are not responsible for the other person's substance use disorder. You can take care of yourself by not subsidizing them. If you want to provide assistance, paying for things like gas or food directly can give you a way of helping without the chance of enabling their drug use.
Boundaries provide the structure necessary for secure, healthy relationships and open-hearted communication. Without setting boundaries, even the most rational, kind, and caring people are vulnerable to manipulation from others. When boundaries are violated, healthy relationships can become toxic, and relationships can be unnecessarily tenuous and strained. Boundaries permit people to have healthy conversations about sensitive topics such as addiction, illness, and violence. At Monte Cristo, we understand how important it is to set boundaries with a loved one suffering from addiction. Boundaries exist to protect our self-esteem and to protect our self-care. With strong boundaries in place, you can help your loved one begin their journey to sobriety. Our team of professionals is here to help you begin that journey today. We support all recovery and therapy modalities, and our individualized treatment plans give our clients the tools they need to succeed. For more information on our substance use treatment programs, call us at (714) 824-9896.